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Who Is Lee?
Pain in the Heart is death by part
I'm 26, I live in Houston, Texas (Montrose) I am a only child, my mother died 2 weeks after September 11,th
2001 (spet 25) on my uncles birthday. I'm transgender I have felt this way seince I was 3 or 5 years old. I did
not fully understand such things till my teen years, and over protective and ultra-consertive upbringing. I had
a rough, unhappy childhood. Nevertheless, was razed by good catholic folks even though my mom never practiced even
I didn't in my upbringing. I was never religious growing up but had LDS folks and also even to my early childhood,
some missionaries visited my folks I had a great uncle and great aunt who were like my grandparents in my upbringing.
(not the same uncle father figure that was my mother's brother)
I had a rough and unhappy childhood and upbringing. I moved around a lot, broke down, and I was born a Tramatic
birth, Blue Brain, I was an emegency c-section and spent some of my early few mounts In a Peidratic ICU. I tuned
out ok, I studdered sometimes and struggled thorugh my childhood do to my brain dammage to my left frontal lobe,
but latter in my adult life turned out more or less O.K.
I'm transgender I'm out as such and in early transition stages, I came out to my folk's family and church members.
I made bad choices. I also like ham radio, computers and IT and engineering and learning and photography, travel
and writing. And 4x4 diesel pickup trucks and rvs, cooking, bbq, grilling, health, fitness, books, indie films,
horror films, action films and sci-fi.
I have many friends, aquainces but urn for something more than drinking friends, I am outgoing, friendly and trusting
but honestly very lonely and sad behind all My cheerful joy and outgoing and kind deeds.
I like gothic, ind music, 80s music, some country (reminds me of mom), classic rock (another childhood reminds
me of my uncle) 80s hair bands, metal, electronic dance music, techno, old classic country, jazz, classical music
and synth-pop, and live bands.
I spend a bit of my free time in coffee shops, diners, bars, bowling alleys, museums, pool halls, the park, and
rooftops of big buildings. I have a passion for art, digital art, photography, writing, and blogging and web design.
Myself I prefer monogamous relationships, commitment, family and one day would like children of my own, I have
a huge heart for the homeless and down on their luck, I often am known to give them leftovers from food at work
and those being released from the (many) jails in town. I would give anything to experience childbirth but it will
never happen.
I do care about others mainly GLBT youth, Trans-youth and Youth of any GLBT with a LDS background. I know what
its like to be rough, on the streets; I know what it means to go through tough times.
I've lost some family members and friends, some have told me I am disgusting (church family) and should be taken
out back and shot like a dog, and all (FAGS) should be I was told that we need to be killed for we were evil. (this
was a more redneck friend who lives is the infamous Jasper, Texas) which I lived briefly and didn't fit in to long.
But I have been told various degrees in the church. I do not attend very often or rarely. I sometimes attended
non-domination churches and give my time money to various causes I support (pride Houston, Houston Equal Rights
Alliance, Equity Texas, HRC and various affirming or glbt friendly church's such as the metropolitan community
church)
I converted about 5 or so years ago I did feel overly pressured into joining, even though my ultra-right wing consertive
die hard southern redneck right wing upbringing I joined and converted and felt overly pressured but had some faith
and beliefs . little did some know my reason was to hide my transgender feelings and inner self? I had sprits of
hate, and even far right neo-Nazi background.
I did sometimes between my rough young adult hood, be self-distractive out of personal insecurities, I had started
seeking counseling for my gender issues.
I grew up in a small town (Harvey,LA) but moved around often to do family and problems with me as a unhappy child.
a suburb that was not to heavily damaged by hurricane Katrina outside New Orleans, LA. I prayed for the storms
to destroy the area so I could have e a reason to transfer get away from the Latter day saint church. I transferred
to Houston, TX become active but some abusive co-workers who I went to high school with abused me at the workplace,
beat me up do to thrills of knowing I had no local ties, and threatening to out me as transgender I started drinking
heavy, smoking heavy and my apartment felt like a prison. My work performance declined. They threaten to out me
to my folks, family and friends. I would not stand up for myself do to personal, family and religious insecurities.
I eventfully got hurt on the job, burned out in a failed OD suicide attempt I was knocked out for a few days and
a month on painkillers, I never drove drunk but was ok in my life. I did some bad things and said things, and blamed
others and continued to be self-distrtuvive lost a scholarship I worked hard to due to the folks abusing me and
intimiateding me lived in my apartment complex.
I served some time in the Harris county jail, for a terrositic thereat (verbal thereat like disorderly conduct
or CLASS B misdemeanor and resisting arrest. I was kicked and hit with a tazer over 50-100 times. I moved to (Montrose)
known as the glbt section of town. I am out to my family, friends and church (to their disapproval) due to the
fact I want to go into media and activism and eventfully work in indpendant media or as a journalist. I enjoy traveling
and do not like flying or cruse ships (confined spaces and germs) I also enjoy rving and would like small plane
piloting boating or chartered flights, given when moving here I was arrested later for some unpaid traffic warrants
out of state that were cleared but not cleared in NCIC do to backed up paper work of the local govt and city and
state of Louisiana. During this time 2-3 years ago I spent time in a now closed (city jail) for the reason of a
terboculus outbreak and the jail was locked down by the health department and the federal govt.
I made bad choices became a drunk my work performance slid down the tubes. During my drinking, drug abuse but (never
driving on the job) I burned out, hurt a lot of folks locally with poor words, drunken fits and rage and I was
self destructive out of self-hatred for myself, and un-acceptance.
I also am more civil libertarian, and green party and more right wing on some issues than the mainstream GLBT community.
I am more open and agree with you on your views of polygamy in the old days of the church. I am more right wing
on some sexual issues as well and prefer monogamous relationships. And family. I believe at current my records
are at the Brays Bayou YSA ward in Houston (near the galleria) But I rarely attend and if so just briefly for part
of the first meeting.
I do plan to move on day to Dallas or Austin but dream of retiring in rural Montana in a small border town not
on most maps, is my big dream in the cold, wilderness and rural obscurity. I do like hiking, the outdoors, camping,
backpacking, skydiving, bungee jumping. And fitness.
I don't dislike people with money but hate people who are born into privilege and do not know what it means to
labor. I even if I won the lottery (I confess I play) I would not want things of wealth, power and privilege I
am a big do it your-self type person, and if I cant or fail than I seek help (I don't like to admit being wrong
but I am honest even brutally honest) I like firearms, but Don't like war, I am huge supporter of the first and
2nd amendments.
Yes, I agree "single" and "dating" are often misunderstood. In the GLBT arena. I hit rough
times and things have gotten better for me of late, but still have struggles ahead on the road to life and transition.
I utterly shocked others given from 16-25 or I was a very manly man, I tried so hard to fit in but was in pain
and misrey. and Just broke down in the fall of 2006 and Could not take it anymore. I had tryed to go toward transition
and being out open and ok but honestly was unhappy with myself, life and being who I am.
McInnis Lee Gaetjens
Po Box 66471
Houston, Texas 77266-6471
My early child hood when my mother lead my father, I moved back to the southern states during this time the year of 1983. My father than came in and out of AA and the program.
My early childhood memories are odd and obscure, I always felt out of place, confused like I did not belong or something wasn't right or I wasn't right. Somethings Missing out of place, one of my early st memories is around age 3 or 4 or 5 or so when moving back to the south from the bay area. My early sit childhood memories my mother was hard on me, my mother fought often with my right-wing grandmother, my mother was as full of panic and disorder and drama and unhappy as I am now.
But one of my early memories of being out of place, or wrong on not much myself, is when I was little one of my first happy memories is playing with someone posing for a coffin and someone else and doing other odd things for my mothers lawyer whom she made life difficult for my dad in recovery, played games and also given the fact my father grew up in New York City and didn't drive for many years and still doesn't largely. She moved things made things hard for him in a cab, and bus service. He stayed at the YMCA given his early soberer.
I hallways felt out of place in early childhood one of my closet early friends and only given my mothers overly protective, paranoia, OCD upbring and excessive and obscure childhood I had and lack of socialization and allowing me to grow out of fear of my big evil father or the big bad bully, my mother often isolated me and didn't let me develop or grow due to paranoia and overly promotive and unreality goals and lacked to give me any independence and or freedom or enjoy simple childhood pleasures.
Anyway one of my first memories beyond my acting and flower and dead thing for my moms legal assistant or witness or noter that was present for dealings related to the divorce and custody dispute whom she bashed my father, who cleaned up and she made his life very difficult. Was my great uncle HJM (Hugh Judge McAuliffe) whom was a very hard ass old timer with the big car, johnny cash fan, and more very conservative right wing stubborn piggish, but to make a long story short, urning this time he lived with my aunt AM (allice mcaullife) and my cousins (Christiana arbor and her friends would come over after school and My gender exploration began there but also in of all places the old timers sears catalogs I would spend hours on ends, fantasying of being a girl starching into sears catalogs for hours on end.
In other new my family never really thought I developed much into a boyish or boyish, I devloped more trying to fit in though my latter teen and young adult years though blue shirt america. And runing around with blue shirt labor groups.
While being pushed for acting out, or being left in a tree, or being pushed into games or activities of logic or being pushed into things or activity's my over protective mother would disapprove with HJM AM DLG (Daniel lee gay) or PMG (Patrica McAuliffe Gay) that I could get away more with murder or things were not allowed.
Further more though my twisted family, religious twists, personal issues and screwed up childhood, and struggling since I was 5 years old with the sears fantasy and long hours in the bathroom reading but with the catalog.
The reality is I have grown beyond that years of suffering and denial I hurt, badly for denying myself vocal opinion, I never knew in Overly protected religious secular right upbringing that there was a thing as Gender Identity and Transsexuals or much more than I converted to The Latter Day Saint faith, and did self-destructive actions to others. And doing distributive things to my life. I used work, over-work, and buying my temporary happiness, for example my pickup-truck, vacations, travels were just temporary fixes, than one night while in fear to go home, I was invited to and discovered bar hopping and drinking and the wonders of medication and cure with drinking in Houston.
I hated drunks, in my early to later teen years was around sub stand abuse, drinking after I left my folks, in early child-hood I was cultured, middle to upper class, and knew so much and than started to well work hard and be someone I wasn't though backbreaking, hard manual labor, self drive and self-reservation I worked myself to death, Had faith in something to cure my feelings, and destroyed my life. Eventfully upon Transferring to Houston. I over-worked and burned out when I worked for a manger named Ray Gonzales who cleaned houses of un-profitable stores for my company, was a big wig in the woodlands, and more paranoid and dysfunctional and rumored despite being a big wig right wing rep, married and with kids and a die hard right wing ultra-Conservative roman catholic was gay, but lived a double life with customers and employees and his number two co-manager was rumored to be gay. And half the store was GLBT on various levels some more out than others further adding to my fears of
To further complicate things my Transfer here was less than joyful, the company was going through hard times the stock price was down a Hireling freeze was in effect. Corners were being cut everywhere the infamous movie was being filmed, the tire and lube people were being split across the board drowning the end. And in worse fashion the people who when I was finally promoted after spending a summer outdoors alone 90% of the time working in the hottest summer in Houston with a burn ban.
I got promoted to a worse job inside, in an abusive hard and verbally and physically abusive era in the workplace, at home, and blackmailed and extorted and set up. And shortly afterward discovered drinking after my home, house and insecurity's were invited.
I than after becoming hurt at work, burned out and with my poor conduit discovered and preferred drinking drama, and physically and verbally abusive relationships, I further destroyed myself by terroristic law enforcement, citizens, and being hostile to getting help, and hate, racism given the people who abused me largely were black and has panic, I was the token white back there, they later found out one night about me attending mcc, when they beat me up off property and I hid and hid and hit with one of the letters you gave me. I had an alarm event (police panic at my old apartment) when they beat me up there, and rattled the window and vandalized my truck on a few occasions, abused, and intimated me in the community to try and get terroristic actions out of me, when I could no longer do so, I cared little about my life, hit the bottle club, debit, bills, and work became lacking, I bitched and bitched and bitch about life but did little to further it, I further terrorized the local community and others friends family members and acquaintances by doing self-destructive actions, lieing, drinking and using people than pushing them away from me destroying the relationships and ruining my life, and eventfully my scholarship for collage to fulfill my life long dream.
I still often miss my family, friends and former people who cared and try to help
I was born Jan 18th, 1981 to my parents
Martin Clark Gaetjens & Kathryn Kathleen McInnis Gay McAuliffe at
Kaiser foundation Hospital, at 2:03 am i n the morning PST. I was a
quick and emergency c-section I was blue due to lack of air to the
brain and a Emergency C-section but alive and in good spirits
regardless of the cord being warped around my neck 3 times. I was
born in the era before ultrasounds were norm, or mainstream, when
blood work took hours, and you didn't have wide spread computers and
before databases, the Internet and digital Lifestyle and cell phones,
PDAs and pagers, FAX machines and blackberry's were the part of every
day life, before 24 hour cable news, I remember the 80s of my
childhood. its who I am and my favorite time and a the end of a
simpler era before the big tech boom.
I was born
Jan 18th, 1981 to lovering good parents who in conflict used me to
fight and split located at Kaiser Foundation Hospital in Oakland, CA.
My Mother was Born and Raised in New Orleans, Louisiana as My dad was
born and raised in New York City, New York State.
I was born
at approx. 2:03 AM (PST) a traumatic birth, I was kicking and had
swung myself around again, it was fast approaching my time to join
the world, in the early 1980s (the birth of the digital age was still
in infancy) Ultrasounds, cat scans and things we take for granted and
sometimes love and love to hate were reserved for the few and elite
and very very expensive, pricey and not covered by my mothers and
fathers insurance and largely viewed as a novelty medical device due
to the limited availability, the high cost of computer power and
digital imaging ( we are still in the dark ages and the birth though
not boom of personal computing)
I had turned myself around
and My life might be in danger, my mother had to choose to wait for
X-rays (you still used film and the process took time you had to
manually develop in those days and have a actually tech not a
computer do the work for you the days of skilled labor, and unions
were still here) My mothers gut and parenting instinct told her to go
into labor, and not wait for the tests which was a very good thing, I
was an emergency C-section at the time (modern medicine of the late
70s and early 80s discouraged c-sections) I was born blue and not
breathing but early Regan era medicine saved my life.
I had a
childhood of conflict, my mother had left New Orleans fairly liberal
in the 1960s, my uncle (who later became more my father figure my
moms brother) left for Texas, which I would later follow in his
footsteps. My father is very far left liberal and new York can be
more right wing left the slums of the Bronx which was different from
today and people like jerry orbach and others grew up in the Bronx in
his era.
My mother moved around the west coast Portland, or,
Richmond, ca when (I was born) redneck town in a blue state. Same
with Houston and Texas there is blue you just have to know where to
look much more blue than in New Orleans.
My mom left my father
and came back 3 times before going to separation, My father had a
drinking problem and as a child there is much to be disputed (it
sucks when parents bring the kids into the equation) I honestly
believe after uncovering things during my mothers death that she was
to blame as much as My dad, they were different people who were not
right for each other but tried to do the best for me but the blood
and booze spilled.
I have felt conflict
with my gender from a very young age roughly beginning around age 3-5
years of age, which begins my separating my parent's fights and
ultimately leading to going home to sweet old Harvey, Louisiana in
Jefferson parish.
I think my earliest memory is I always as a
younger child fit in more with the girls, and latter was more obscure
from a lack of socializing and overly protective mother, afraid of my
father and others (allegedly he sent a P.I. to hunt us down or a hit
man or some bullshit) I think parents out of bad digressions do bad
and stupid things, I feel my father gave up, and my mother shut him
out, they both did their parts to hurt and lie on each other, and
hurt me in the process.
I had a rough childhood, history of
dalliance, good upbringing, my family has a large catholic
background, and my mom quit practicing, and also had much conflict
with my grandmother in my early childhood, and young adult hood and
early pre-teen years.
I was subjected to beatings punishments
for my arrogances and stupidity and destructive and obscene and
profanity and sinful actions in my youth. I had been beaten, and even
was called evil and sinful.
I think a lot of parents want to
protect their children but I was overly protected and overly
sheltered in my youth to the point of being naive though young
adult-hood and even into adulthood partially.
I think my first
remembrance of feeling like a girl, was when I was 3 or 5 so years
old when my mother returned here and was "hiding" from my
big evil dad. With her atty and lawyer in my family's "empty"
that my mom, my uncle and (adopted sister) were raised in house
uptown New Orleans in Broadmor which some may know better given its
coverage during Katrina.
We were in there waiting for my dad
to show up. I think my mom often played games with my father and
wanted to win custody and wanted out of the marriage out of poor
taste, unhappiness, or homesickness, or maybe wanting the best for
me. I believe to some degree my father wanted the best for me but
gave up, I don't trust nor distrust him to much today, but he is my
flesh and blood and we share some similar DNA.
I think my
father sometimes says one thing but actions, and words and cause and
effect, as my mother was just as equity guilty in a lot of my life as
were many other people.
My memory goes to some point of
waiting for a lawyer, I think she had a little girl with her or her
nanny stopped by to see her or something (cell phones were rare,
pricey and prestige to yuppies, millionaires and drug dealers and
generally installed in cars with the like curry cord most people or
working class doctors, cops, fire ems used pagers and pay phones in
those days if you could afford one or be issued one)
Regardless
I think we played some or it may have been a neighbor, it was fun and
enjoyable, I think I played dead and held a rose some sort of
neo-Gothic romance thing blah. And look at me today.
Regardless
as I grew up I got in trouble, but was generally moralistic, but
acted out a lot, I had a troubled child hood, which I would later
find out to have suffered brain damage at birth to the left frontal
lobe, I also I think the local Houston company Medtronic's was to a
trail which never met FDA approval to try and repair my damaged brain
nodes but failed and they still struggle the FDA does not conceder it
safe and an elective surgery. I also struggled with speech and being
or having social contact due to a very overly protective
mother.
Moving forward I go to the school years, I fit in but
was often alone and troubled an unhappy youth, I did sometimes in
early childhood play with girls and make friends, and even had a few
kiddies' girl friends in childhood. Blah. Obscurity the house where
she lived across from were I played as a kiddle was and still is
there she was a army brat and where my school was now stands some
yuppie new homes as about built in my high school years.
I
trough pre-teen and young adult hood and early to mid childhood
started gender bending as some would call and even ado lance. My
family "caught" me a member as a child never spoke to it to
others but did beat me well for doing such a "wrong" thing.
I had a more ultra-right wing conservative GREAT-uncle not the uncle
who was like my father he was more like a grandfather but very
stubborn and right wing.
I had a great-aunt who growing up was
like a grandmother but she was much older than my grandmother, and my
grandmother kept her youth in appearance even to today to some degree
despite her health problems.
I also began watching
other girls wishing I could be them but In puzzlement did not
understand given my right wing upbringing and roots, in south east
Louisiana. I found a new self-reflection but in utter puzzlement, I
spent some of my youth at night going to sleep dreaming of waking up
in a new body, something about that felt right and something about
what was wrong is now and that is correct. But things of that nature
are taboo and get your ass kicked but religious right wing zealots,
My mother was ok with long hair, but others did not like it and
wanted nothing to do with me unless I cut it, did not like playing
and ran firm 1920s discipline. I had a slightly though good natured
loving side, but with turmoil inner I had a destructive, rebellious
side sort of a Mr. Hyde and miss nice gal personality or something of
that nature.
Even to this day, with my nice outgoing,
caring giving personality, very friendly and trusting and stubborn
and procrastinator self, it hides my true self, for so many years my
hard work, risk taking, warehousing, and taking dumb risks and dumb
luck I tired for all to hard and long to be a man, sure I may have
attended glbt support groups, I converted to LDS or Mormonism as its
commonly known to deny my own true self.
While I had searched
for some peace within myself, I often wanted more and joined for the
wrong reasons, I agree LDS folk are good kind, trustworthy folks but
lost and misguided.
I remember in my young adulthood 18+
being misguided. And my mother and I and with my family rocky
relationship and after her death 2 weeks after 9-11-2001 on my uncles
birthday on September 25th that same year of the infamous terrorist
attacks. Which ironically by birth and coming out and also becoming a
terrorist myself or according to the state of Texas would be on the
same year.
I'm very weary of dates, places, and parts to my
life, and family. Given the past 3 deaths in my family have been on
relatives birthdays. I lost and loose a lot for myself, and life.
I
often find and even growing up secretly continued my cross-dressing,
but as adalonace hit in I often tried the hardest to fit in and for
many many years hid my true feelings about my true self, this is
almost 10 years lieing to myself and trying to forget and hide myself
or do a cure for all and pretend to be a real, man. I was not or will
ever be.
I later in teenage years became very obese I over
ate became unhappy, with myself, my body, my gender and my sexuality
something felt broken I felt wrong sinful and shameful, joining the
Latter Day Saint (Mormon) church made me feel worse.
I often
even under the silly jokes and even today with my outgoingness live a
dark, twisted depressed and lonely and unhappy life to this date.
I further have the foresight of being born in the early digital age, when tech was still well not as widespread in everyday life and living as is today, manual pricing guns were common place, the day before the infamous UPC codes and development of the digital age, when telephone calling was new, 900, 976 numbers were the big deal as far as scams the Internet had not grown outside the think tanks, university's, and corporate networks and government and civil servants, and on line services like Gene, Compuserve, etc were the big deal.
Mobile phones were per minute, leased and if lucky bought. And amongst the privileged and powerful and developed . In other development the life I lived and grew was myself and growing into true self shows today, stuck behind a 300 baud dumb terminal, or if lucky an ISDN line or leased government line and access to FAX machines and older drum built like a tank copy machines were commonplace.
The world developed much and fast into myself, and boredom, I read into books, available my life is grown into a cesspool of faith, power and development.
My time in Houston was well intentioned, but I burned out and maybe wasn't ready and the drink, dance, club and bottle and smoke became my medication for almost the entire 2.5 years in Texas.
I spent My life most of my life doing, pretending to fit in, crossed lines and boundaries and myself, my self-steam pretending, believing something I am not and living as someone I am not, when I burned out with my job, forklift accident, work, and abuse and personal insecurity I learned to be myself, become myself through the bottle and cesspool of booze and grow into the bottle for myself and others and to become myself and grew so much that booze became life, thats how I accepted my transgenderism with large quantity of drinking, acting out wanting to be put down in insecure with myself drinking, being hit, relieving pain, and reality from fact from fiction and becoming a compulsive lier.
I spent some of my young adult hood into obesity and foot and buying my happiness, others though work, my pickup truck, endless or useless tasks or chores and projects I never completed, other times in blowing, fantasy land like my sears catalog days, other days just on line. Dreaming, Houston was a new me. And I was working toward it, but ruined it and cant live here. Even on occasion in Montreal I cross paths with painful memories and choices I made here and some who abused me or May have further enjoyed abusive relationships. Some Might be dead, some are dead some are in and out.
In other news, I grew, into myself, sobered up in county jail, memories and faces and pain came back and off. I grew and blew. And than quit being less of compulsive lier and trusted, loved someone again some one first as myself. Went to meetings, and continue to grow, bleed, love, birth, and suffer to grow into enlightenment, and my true self.
I'm 26, I live in Houston, Texas
(Montrose) I am a only child, my mother died 2 weeks after September
11,th 2001 (spet 25) on my uncles birthday. I'm transgender I have
felt this way seince I was 3 or 5 years old. I did not fully
understand such things till my teen years, and over protective and
ultra-consertive upbringing. I had a rough, unhappy childhood.
Nevertheless, was razed by good catholic folks even though my mom
never practiced even I didn't in my upbringing. I was never religious
growing up but had LDS folks and also even to my early childhood,
some missionaries visited my folks I had a great uncle and great aunt
who were like my grandparents in my upbringing. (not the same uncle
father figure that was my mother's brother)
I had a rough and
unhappy childhood and upbringing. I moved around a lot, broke down,
and I was born a Tramatic birth, Blue Brain, I was an emegency
c-section and spent some of my early few mounts In a Peidratic ICU. I
tuned out ok, I studdered sometimes and struggled thorugh my
childhood do to my brain dammage to my left frontal lobe, but latter
in my adult life turned out more or less O.K.
I'm transgender
I'm out as such and in early transition stages, I came out to my
folk's family and church members. I made bad choices. I also like ham
radio, computers and IT and engineering and learning and photography,
travel and writing. And 4x4 diesel pickup trucks and rvs, cooking,
bbq, grilling, health, fitness, books, indie films, horror films,
action films and sci-fi.
I have many friends, aquainces but
urn for something more than drinking friends, I am outgoing, friendly
and trusting but honestly very lonely and sad behind all My cheerful
joy and outgoing and kind deeds.
I like gothic, ind music, 80s
music, some country (reminds me of mom), classic rock (another
childhood reminds me of my uncle) 80s hair bands, metal, electronic
dance music, techno, old classic country, jazz, classical music and
synth-pop, and live bands.
I spend a bit of my free time in
coffee shops, diners, bars, bowling alleys, museums, pool halls, the
park, and rooftops of big buildings. I have a passion for art,
digital art, photography, writing, and blogging and web
design.
Myself I prefer monogamous relationships, commitment,
family and one day would like children of my own, I have a huge heart
for the homeless and down on their luck, I often am known to give
them leftovers from food at work and those being released from the
(many) jails in town. I would give anything to experience childbirth
but it will never happen.
I do care about others mainly GLBT
youth, Trans-youth and Youth of any GLBT with a LDS background. I
know what its like to be rough, on the streets; I know what it means
to go through tough times.
I've lost some family members and
friends, some have told me I am disgusting (church family) and should
be taken out back and shot like a dog, and all (FAGS) should be I was
told that we need to be killed for we were evil. (this was a more
redneck friend who lives is the infamous Jasper, Texas) which I lived
briefly and didn't fit in to long.
But I have been told various
degrees in the church. I do not attend very often or rarely. I
sometimes attended non-domination churches and give my time money to
various causes I support (pride Houston, Houston Equal Rights
Alliance, Equity Texas, HRC and various affirming or glbt friendly
church's such as the metropolitan community church)
I
converted about 5 or so years ago I did feel overly pressured into
joining, even though my ultra-right wing conservative die hard
southern redneck right wing upbringing I joined and converted and
felt overly pressured but had some faith and beliefs . little did
some know my reason was to hide my trans gender feelings and inner
self? I had spirits of hate, and even far right neo-Nazi
background.
I did sometimes between my rough young adult hood,
be self-distractive out of personal insecurities, I had started
seeking counseling for my gender issues.
I grew up in a small town
(Harvey,LA) but moved around often to do family and problems with me
as a unhappy child. a suburb that was not to heavily damaged by
hurricane Katrina outside New Orleans, LA. I prayed for the storms to
destroy the area so I could have e a reason to transfer get away from
the Latter day saint church. I transferred to Houston, TX become
active but some abusive co-workers who I went to high school with
abused me at the workplace, beat me up do to thrills of knowing I had
no local ties, and threatening to out me as trans gender I started
drinking heavy, smoking heavy and my apartment felt like a prison. My
work performance declined. They threaten to out me to my folks,
family and friends. I would not stand up for myself do to personal,
family and religious insecurities.
I eventfully got hurt on
the job, burned out in a failed OD suicide attempt I was knocked out
for a few days and a month on painkillers, I never drove drunk but
was ok in my life. I did some bad things and said things, and blamed
others and continued to be self-distrtuvive lost a scholarship I
worked hard to due to the folks abusing me and intimidating me lived
in my apartment complex.
I served some time in the Harris
county jail, for a terroristic thereat (verbal thereat like
disorderly conduct or CLASS B misdemeanor and resisting arrest. I was
kicked and hit with a tazer over 50-100 times. I moved to (Montrose)
known as the glbt section of town. I am out to my family, friends and
church (to their disapproval) due to the fact I want to go into media
and activism and eventfully work in ind pendant media or as a
journalist. I enjoy traveling and do not like flying or cruse ships
(confined spaces and germs) I also enjoy rving and would like small
plane piloting boating or chartered flights, given when moving here I
was arrested later for some unpaid traffic warrants out of state that
were cleared but not cleared in NCIC do to backed up paper work of
the local govt and city and state of Louisiana. During this time 2-3
years ago I spent time in a now closed (city jail) for the reason of
a terboculus outbreak and the jail was locked down by the health
department and the federal govt.
I made bad choices became a
drunk my work performance slid down the tubes. During my drinking,
drug abuse but (never driving on the job) I burned out, hurt a lot of
folks locally with poor words, drunken fits and rage and I was self
destructive out of self-hatred for myself, and un-acceptance.
I
also am more civil libertarian, and green party and more right wing
on some issues than the mainstream GLBT community. I am more open and
agree with you on your views of polygamy in the old days of the
church. I am more right wing on some sexual issues as well and prefer
monogamous relationships. And family. I believe at current my records
are at the Brays Bayou YSA ward in Houston (near the galleria) But I
rarely attend and if so just briefly for part of the first
meeting.
I do plan to move on day to Dallas or Austin but
dream of retiring in rural Montana in a small border town not on most
maps, is my big dream in the cold, wilderness and rural obscurity. I
do like hiking, the outdoors, camping, backpacking, skydiving, bungee
jumping. And fitness.
I don't dislike people with money but
hate people who are born into privilege and do not know what it means
to labor. I even if I won the lottery (I confess I play) I would not
want things of wealth, power and privilege I am a big do it your-self
type person, and if I cant or fail than I seek help (I don't like to
admit being wrong but I am honest even brutally honest) I like
firearms, but Don't like war, I am huge supporter of the first and
2nd amendments.
Yes, I agree "single" and "dating"
are often misunderstood. In the GLBT arena. I hit rough times and
things have gotten better for me of late, but still have struggles
ahead on the road to life and transition.
I utterly shocked
others given from 16-25 or I was a very manly man, I tried so hard to
fit in but was in pain and misery. and Just broke down in the fall of
2006 and Could not take it anymore. I had tried to go toward
transition and being out open and ok but honestly was unhappy with
myself, life and being who I am.
I burned out starting to drink more, during this period of 2005-2007 I drank heavy, was drinking in the first time in a bar in my life in Christmas 2005, I drank off and on went though a religious phase, a neo Nazi skin head phase in jasper and tomball. I went though the ups and downs. Met folks some seedy moonlighted in bars and nightclubs some briefly as hired help or finding people wanting to purchase drugs,
I found many folks up and down than found the present now. Had a few interrelationships almost went to Iraq as a trucker and got married which I would have been unhappy with and had many ups and downs and pitfalls around.
I also for the longest time had trouble with being honest and becoming a habitual lier, and insecure with myself and where I was and wanted to go in life, and being self-distributive. It is painful to compose this but I have due to honesty and desire for change.
I suspect my family has known or suspected as my former foster parents were, not totally surprised or my former caseworker given some things in thereby and discussed prior and that was privileged in my youth, I every and sometimes out of rebelliously of trans genders younger than I and transsexuals that have blended in at my age or younger. A lot of dark regrets and remorse burns in my soul.
But the truth be told, I have grow broken free of the system and have been born again. Thats my story, thats lee.
As of late Ive become aware of the possibility that my mother was a drunk, a dry drunk and may have drunk and to be in the dramma off and on through my childhood. And youth before I moved out. I
These Are some other Little known facts about me: