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I was born Jan 18th, 1981 to my parents Martin Clark Gaetjens & Kathryn Kathleen McInnis Gay McAuliffe at Kiser foundation Hospital, at 2:03 am i n the morning PST. I was a quick and emergency c-section I was blue due to lack of air to the brain and a Emergency C-section but alive and in good spirits regardless of the cord being wraped around my neck 3 times. I was born in the era before ultrasounds were norm, or mainstream, when blood work took hours, and you didnt have wide spread computers and before databases, the internet and digital Lifestyle and cell phones, PDAs and pagers, FAX machines and blackberrys were the part of every day life, before 24 hour cable news, I remember the 80s of my childhood. its who I am and my favoirite time and a the end of a simpler era before the big tech boom.




I was born Jan 18th, 1981 to loveing good parents who in conflit used me to fight and split located at Keiser Foundation Hospital in Oakland, CA. My Mother was Born and Raised in New Orleans, Louisiana as My dad was born and raised in New York City, New York State.

I was born at aprox. 2:03 AM (PST) a traumatic birth, I was kicking and had swung myself around again, it was fast approaching my time to join the world, in the early 1980s (the birth of the digital age was still in infancy) Ultrasounds, cat scans and things we take for granted and sometimes love and love to hate were reserved for the few and elite and very very expensive, pricey and not covered by my mothers and fathers insurance and largely viewed as a novelty medical device due to the limited availability, the high cost of computer power and digital imaging ( we are still in the dark ages and the birth though not boom of personal computing)

I had turned myself around and My life might be in danger, my mother had to choose to wait for X-rays (you still used film and the process took time you had to manually develop in those days and have a actually tech not a computer do the work for you the days of skilled labor, and unions were still here) My mothers gut and parenting instinct told her to go into labor, and not wait for the tests which was a very good thing, I was an emergency C-section at the time (modern medicine of the late 70s and early 80s discouraged c-sections) I was born blue and not breathing but early Regan era medicine saved my life.

I had a childhood of conflict, my mother had left New Orleans fairly liberal in the 1960s, my uncle (who later became more my father figure my moms brother) left for Texas, which I would later follow in his footsteps. My father is very far left liberal and new York can be more right wing left the slums of the Bronx which was different from today and people like jerry orbach and others grew up in the Bronx in his era.

My mother moved around the west coast Portland, or, Richmond, ca when (I was born) redneck town in a blue state. Same with Houston and Texas there is blue you just have to know where to look much more blue than in New Orleans.

My mom left my father and came back 3 times before going to separation, My father had a drinking problem and as a child there is much to be disputed (it sucks when parents bring the kids into the equation) I honestly believe after uncovering things during my mothers death that she was to blame as much as My dad, they were different people who were not right for each other but tried to do the best for me but the blood and booze spilled.






I have felt conflict with my gender from a very young age roughly beginning around age 3-5 years of age, which begins my separating my parent's fights and ultimately leading to going home to sweet old Harvey, Louisiana in Jefferson parish.

I think my earliest memory is I always as a younger child fit in more with the girls, and latter was more obscure from a lack of socializing and overly protective mother, afraid of my father and others (allegedly he sent a P.I. to hunt us down or a hit man or some bullshit) I think parents out of bad digressions do bad and stupid things, I feel my father gave up, and my mother shut him out, they both did their parts to hurt and lie on each other, and hurt me in the process.

I had a rough childhood, history of dalliance, good upbringing, my family has a large catholic background, and my mom quit practicing, and also had much conflict with my grandmother in my early childhood, and young adult hood and early pre-teen years.

I was subjected to beatings punishments for my arrogances and stupidity and destructive and obscene and profanity and sinful actions in my youth. I had been beaten, and even was called evil and sinful.

I think a lot of parents want to protect their children but I was overly protected and overly sheltered in my youth to the point of being naive though young adult-hood and even into adulthood partially.

I think my first remembrance of feeling like a girl, was when I was 3 or 5 so years old when my mother returned here and was "hiding" from my big evil dad. With her atty and lawyer in my family's "empty" that my mom, my uncle and (adopted sister) were raised in house uptown New Orleans in Broadmor which some may know better given its coverage during Katrina.

We were in there waiting for my dad to show up. I think my mom often played games with my father and wanted to win custody and wanted out of the marriage out of poor taste, unhappiness, or homesickness, or maybe wanting the best for me. I believe to some degree my father wanted the best for me but gave up, I don't trust nor distrust him to much today, but he is my flesh and blood and we share some similar DNA.

I think my father sometimes says one thing but actions, and words and cause and effect, as my mother was just as equity guilty in a lot of my life as were many other people.

My memory goes to some point of waiting for a lawyer, I think she had a little girl with her or her nanny stopped by to see her or something (cell phones were rare, pricy and prestige to yuppies, millionaires and drug dealers and generally installed in cars with the like curry cord most people or working class doctors, cops, fire ems used pagers and pay phones in those days if you could afford one or be issued one)

Regardless I think we played some or it may have been a neighbor, it was fun and enjoyable, I think I played dead and held a rose some sort of neo-gothic romance thing blah. And look at me today.

Regardless as I grew up I got in trouble, but was generally moralistic, but acted out a lot, I had a troubled child hood, which I would later find out to have suffered brain damage at birth to the left frontal lobe, I also I think the local Houston company Medtronic's was to a trail which never met FDA approval to try and repair my damaged brain nodes but failed and they still struggle the FDA does not conceder it safe and an elective surgery. I also struggled with speech and being or having social contact due to a very overly protective mother.

Moving forward I go to the school years, I fit in but was often alone and troubled an unhappy youth, I did sometimes in early childhood play with girls and make friends, and even had a few kiddies' girl friends in childhood. Blah. Obscurity the house where she lived across from were I played as a kiddle was and still is there she was a army brat and where my school was now stands some yuppie new homes as about built in my high school years.

I trough pre-teen and young adult hood and early to mid childhood started gender bending as some would call and even ado lance. My family "caught" me a member as a child never spoke to it to others but did beat me well for doing such a "wrong" thing. I had a more ultra-right wing consertive GREAT-uncle not the uncle who was like my father he was more like a grandfather but very stubborn and right wing.
I had a great-aunt who growing up was like a grandmother but she was much older than my grandmother, and my grandmother kept her youth in appearance even to today to some degree despite her health problems.



I also began watching other girls wishing I could be them but In puzzlement did not understand given my right wing upbringing and roots, in south east Louisiana. I found a new self-reflection but in utter puzzlement, I spent some of my youth at night going to sleep dreaming of waking up in a new body, something about that felt right and something about what was wrong is now and that is correct. But things of that nature are taboo and get your ass kicked but religious right wing zealots, My mother was ok with long hair, but others did not like it and wanted nothing to do with me unless I cut it, did not like playing and ran firm 1920s discipline. I had a slightly though good natured loving side, but with turmoil inner I had a destructive, rebellious side sort of a Mr. Hyde and miss nice gal personality or something of that nature.


Even to this day, with my nice outgoing, caring giving personality, very friendly and trusting and stubborn and procrastinator self, it hides my true self, for so many years my hard work, risk taking, warehousing, and taking dumb risks and dumb luck I tired for all to hard and long to be a man, sure I may have attended glbt support groups, I converted to LDS or Mormonism as its commonly known to deny my own true self.

While I had searched for some peace within myself, I often wanted more and joined for the wrong reasons, I agree LDS folk are good kind, trustworthy folks but lost and misguided.

I remember in my young adulthood 18+ being misguided. And my mother and I and with my family rocky relationship and after her death 2 weeks after 9-11-2001 on my uncles birthday on September 25th that same year of the infamous terrorist attacks. Which ironically by birth and coming out and also becoming a terrorist myself or according to the state of Texas would be on the same year.

I'm very weary of dates, places, and parts to my life, and family. Given the past 3 deaths in my family have been on relatives birthdays. I lost and loose a lot for myself, and life.

I often find and even growing up secretly continued my cross-dressing, but as adalonace hit in I often tried the hardest to fit in and for many many years hid my true feelings about my true self, this is almost 10 years lieing to myself and trying to forget and hide myself or do a cure for all and pretend to be a real, man. I was not or will ever be.

I later in teenage years became very obese I over ate became unhappy, with myself, my body, my gender and my sexuality something felt broken I felt wrong sinful and shameful, joining the Latter Day Saint (Mormon) church made me feel worse.

I often even under the silly jokes and even today with my outgoingness live a dark, twised depressed and lonely and unhappy life to this date.